Divorce – Just another example of a natural disaster
We recognize that the conversation around divorce is fragmented, emotional, confusing, and reflects the general chaos that prevails in every household going through the dreaded process.
Did anyone really grow up and imagine falling in love, having a storybook wedding, buying a house, bringing home a baby, celebrating romantic anniversaries, discovering addiction issues, uncovering personality disorders, experiencing financial ruin, discovering infidelity, having your husband tell you he wants a divorce, having your wife tell you she wants a divorce, having to move out of your beloved home, spending half of your life savings on lawyers, splitting the other half with your ex, splitting the baby in half, moving in with your parents at 45, and living unhappily ever after? Really?
We tend to forget that NO ONE dreams of divorce. NO ONE plans for the marriage to end in divorce. It has happened and now we have a fact over which we all have control. Yes, of course, the toll of the emotional roller coaster and the shattering of an illusion or how we defined ourselves is not to be underestimated. There must be appropriate compassion and allowances for this, but, we HAVE to find a way to address the pain and emotional issues and at the same time handle the divorce process so that we can be in control of our own destiny rather than abdicate to an impersonal and imperfect legal system.
You know the film footage of those horrific natural disasters that we now tend to see more frequently? You see people walking through the fragments of their homes with their possessions scattered in pieces on the ground. They are speechless as they assess the destruction. Something happened to them that they had never planned, and your heart just breaks for what they are going through. You cannot imagine what it must be like to walk in their shoes. They have lost everything and wonder how they are going to pick up the pieces and start over. They have no one to blame, except the weather, and they always reflect an extraordinary human spirit and determination to survive, re-build and move on, stronger than before.
In divorce, we tend to focus on the blame and direct all of our energy at the other person for creating the devastation. Or, we put all of our focus into the land grab and how to “get” as much as we can, or give as little as we can. What if we shifted that perception, found a way to accept that an unplanned natural disaster has occurred, to both parties, and put all of our energy and resources into solving the problem on all fronts- emotional, financial, family, co-parenting. Some of you might say, “he” or “she” had a choice and this disaster didn’t have to happen. That may be true, but it all comes back to the fact that we are not in control, the disaster is now a fact, so how are we going to show up and manage our own way through without allowing it to destroy the future, too?
Interestingly, when a natural disaster occurs, families and community come rushing to your side with resources, support, even tax relief - whatever is needed to carry you and your family through the re-building phase. So why is it so quiet when we are getting a divorce? What is it about divorce that prevents people from providing whatever assistance they can provide? Sadly, in our culture, you are better off in an earthquake, flood, or tornado, than in a divorce.
So, it is up to each family to find its own path through its own private natural disaster, and the more we are able to adopt a mindset that allows for this, the more empowered we will be to own the process and seek a solution for both parties and the entire family.
When you look at those people walking amidst the wreck and ruin of their homes you think, how are they going to do it? How do they go to work, continue to earn a paycheck, manage their family’s basic day-to-day needs, address any emotional fall-out as a result of what has happened, find a place to live, figure out whether to re-build, deal with insurance companies, and just manage the next six months, not to mention the next 16 years. Sound familiar? And, in divorce you get all this and the loss of your best friend, your life partner, the person who knows you the best. Just getting through the next day feels impossible. But the alternative is to let a system of professionals take over, burn through hard-earned dollars and leave you feeling even more out of control. We have to change our mindset. We have to become more informed, more empowered and navigate the transition to a new life without allowing this version of a natural disaster to prevent a successful future.
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